my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
