I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
