i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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