My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
