first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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