just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
