you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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