In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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