I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
