I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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