i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
