can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
