I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
