i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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