Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
