my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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