When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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