his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
