Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
