This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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