he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
