My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
