you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
