weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
