I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
