i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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