Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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