1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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