Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
