I got chris browned last night
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
