Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
