He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
