I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
