Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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