i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
