My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
