I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
