someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
