I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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