Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.