i think my tv is drunk
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.