I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.