Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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