The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
