I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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