So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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