You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
