Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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