Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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