I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
