Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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