The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
