hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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