when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
