i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
