I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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